LIFE...

I guess there always are times in a life when you feel that every moment needs to be cashed in......You know that nothing has changed, you still are the same race horse, who is nurtured, groomed, fed the best oats to run the race of his life, to run the race he never wanted to...to live a life that you can do without... And it is it at these times when you wonder if there's any point in taking a step forward... knowing that you will have to take two back, to keep abreast with the world... It is at these times that somewhere in the horizons you get a glimpse of a strangled life...of a life that seems chained, that just wants to free itself from the shackles and run away to some Never... Neverland with you at its heels....when you hurry to lay your eyes on it, the life's gone....the light has faded....it's dark again.....you gallop frantically knowing that you have to get to it....get to it, before you lose the ability to run....get to it before it gives up and succumbs to the dogmas of the world and joins the line of followers....get to it before the spirit in that life departs in search of another non-conformist....another maverick who's got the feet to run away, the arms to break the shackles and the heart to love the one thing that can't be replaced by any society, any religion, any culture......................LIFE.

You run...... this time it is no race.... you aren't running against anybody.... you are running against time.... You won't win no accolades.... no honours.... you will just be face to face and awarded the one thing the world does not seem to care for anymore..... It has been there all along and it will be there even if we won't run for it with our hearts out... Where can it go?... It's been there all along, shackled, chained, but that is to keep it in control, to keep it from going off the track, off the road that we all are walking on...........................LIFE.

We all are walking on this one straight road, placing our feet in the footprints laid since ages. The footprints become more prominent with every person who decides to ensure that his feet don't disturb the pattern.... laying every step on a footprint wins you the riches, the honours, the race.... the footprints now are so deep.... so rigid... it almost seems impossible to walk the untrodden path.... But you are running, running towards life.... running not on any set patterns, not for any set goals, you are running to get to it before the spirit departs.... A racehorse is now a warhorse.... It'll fight the world trying to tame it..... It'll gallop down the untrodden path.... into the unseen darkness, towards an unknown destination ..... with an unheard of desire..... Its only hope is that speck of light.....................LIFE.

Score of ZERO

Wasn't it just like any other ordinary day, I had in my life. Maybe it was. But if it was, then why do I chance to think of it, think about it; every time i chance to think...

It was a Sunday evening. I was running away from a wedding. No, I wasn't the groom.It was my dad's cousin's son's wedding. I boarded the train at Bombay Central. The rains had drenched my clothes, my body, my soles. But I loved them. I felt they purified something deep within me, something that never got cleaned otherwise. Something called soul. There weren't many passengers. I grabbed myself a window seat. That's when I saw you. You were playing with the drops that were pushed in through the window by the winds. You were all wet. You looked, well, to say the least, some superlative form of beautiful. I looked away. I didn't want you to feel I was eyeing you. I pretended to stare out of the window.The raindrops were beating on the windoow sill and the winds were pushing them in. The sun's last rays were peeking in through the clouds, through the rains, through the window. Everything seemed so beautiful. I wasn't conscious of your presence anymore. I guess, for a few moments, I even forgot that there was a beautiful girl sitting just opposite to me. That is when a gush of wind came in and threw up a mug full of water onto my face. I turned my face away and chanced to glance at you...again. You seemed to be enjoying the rains just as much as I did. That innocent twinkle in your eyes everytime a drop beat onto your skin, set a lot of bells ringing in my heart. I loved that shadow your hair cast on your face as the final sunrays of the day tried to peek through them into your face. I looked away. You were so beautiful, that I started to wonder if I had ever seen anything as lovely as your face.
The rains seem to have got heavy and I could feel in my heart that both of us were loving it. I can still remember, the way you frowned when some old lady asked you to pull down the window. You looked like that little girl whose favorite doll was being snatched away from her. I guess, she was scared she'd get wet...hehe. That is when, I, your knight in shining armour, quipped back, "Aunty, it's not even a drizzle, and the clouds, too are dispersing." She was not convinced, but that was enough to shut her up for some time. I can still remember the way you smiled when I said that. You seemed to be staring at me and for the first time in my life, I was staring into the eyes of a girl. They were so pure, so innocent, so gentle. There was no doubt, no worry, no pain, no suspicion in them. I felt, they allowed me to peek right into your soul and I thought they saw mine too. I felt like I was dancing with the clouds, on the tune of the wind, on the beats of the rain, with you. I wanted you to keep staring at me, that way, for the rest of my life. No, I didn't feel like talking to you. I guess, there was no need to. You already knew everything about me and I, everything about you, or so I thought. I had lost all sense of time and place. I could see, nothing, but your eyes. I could feel, nothing, but your gaze. I just wanted time to stop and that moment to last for eternity.
A lady, I guess, she must be your mother, asked you to get up. Your station was about to come. You got up, lost your balance and almost fell on me. You grabbed my shirt for support. I held you to help you and that is when I saw it. You were not looking at me. You were staring right through my face, through my eyes, into those dead walls, behind me. Your mother helped you get off the train and you walked away, with the help of that stick, she gave you. I kept staring at you as you faded away into the distance, out of the station, out of my life.
I was so wet. My body had gone numb. But I could feel something warm roll down my cheeks, must be tears. Something was rushing into my head, from my heart, must be blood. Something felt so empty, that my entire body wanted to collapse right into it, must be my soul.

Hey, it's almost a decade since that day now. Even today, when I travel by the locals of Mumbai, I expect to see you by some window. The only sad part is, I can't travel by the Ladies Compartment anymore. You see, I am a grown up now, with a not so fully grown beard, and a moustache. They just won't let me in there anymore.
You know what, I can't remember your face anymore. No, I can't remember any detail. I guess, I wouldn't recognise you even if I saw you.
I have been in love a couple of times, since that evening. I still am not sure, what this word means. The Oxford Dictionary meaning of love that appeals the most to me, is 'score of zero' in the game called life. I have come to believe, that one can fall in love, but never fail in it.
No, I didn't love your body.
I didn't love your soul.
I loved the way those eyes of yours made me feel.
Those eyes, that never saw me.
Those eyes, that never could...

The Cut that never was....

On the day, I was to leave my college, V.N.I.T...while packing up my luggage, I found a few crumbled pages in a shelf... I had to remove a lot of cobwebs and really strain my eyes to make out what was written... The shaky handwriting indicated a strong influence of alcohol, almost 5 - 6 pegs... and my memory and the handwriting prevent me from claiming this article to be my own.......

I woke up. I brushed my teeth. I had my breakfast. I went to the loo. I took a bath. Iwas five minutes late. I raced my cycle to the department. I was embarassed to be late. I made a mental note to be on time for the lectures from tomorrow. But, Halo! Wait. Today is my last day in this college...This is my last day in this world...
I am sitting on the last bench, I have a blade in my left hand. I make a deep cut in my right wrist, I am a lefty after all, lol. I can sense blood gushing out from the cut in my viens. I feel no anguish, no pain, no remorse...
"Last bench, are you paying attention?" It was not a blade after all... It was a pen. It was not a cut... It was a blue mark I had managed to make on my wrist. "Yes ma'm..." "Did you calculate the maximum permissible stress?" "No Ma'm, I forgot to get my calculator." "Sit down and pay attention." "O.K. ma'm." There was a pain, an anguish, a remorse...
I lowered my head and stared at the gray of my desk as I had every single day, every single period, every single moment.
"Chiru, did you do the assignment?" "What...no, I was going to copy Hari's, but then, it was too long..." I was gonna cut my wrist... but then something went wrong....That's life.
Life - What is life? A quest for monotonity?... A journey without a destination?... A test for which there are no marks?... A race with no finish line?...
Or is it a small child's smile when he gets a 25 paise parle toffee wrapped in red?...Is it a sprint in which you run so hard that at the end of it there is sweat in your eyes, that they mistake for tears?Your heart thumps so hard, that you wonder how'd it feel if it were to tear apart the walls of your ribcage, cut through the flesh and embrace the lovely air that has to pass the tests of the tracheas and lungs, alter its nature and composition before it can be one with the heart... And they'd think it is a heart attack...Or is it a turmoil wherein you dig a trench so deep that you can never come out of it?No light can chase you there...no sound can penetrate so deep...They think you are gone and shovel back the mud in the dent that you carved. You can feel mud in every pore of your skin...There is no air to breathe...You are breathing the clay that you played with and made mud balls out of, mud balls you threw on your grand dad...You can't move...You don't want to move...You can't breathe...You don't want to breathe...You lie in wait till another crazy fool decides to dig out the earth in search for the purpose of life...in her search for...she doesn't know what.
"Chutiye, kitna sota hai...Darwaza khol...Aaj nashte mein bhutta mil raha hai" I open my eyes, unlatch the door..."Hi"..."Jaldi jaa...6:00 baj gae hai." I rush downstairs to get my bhutta...The cart is gone...I realise I am not hungry...It's not my stomach...It's not my tongue...It's my heart...It's my pain...I recognise nothing but the pain I have received from you...It does not hurt me to think that I loved you...It hurts me to realise that I'd never love again...I'd never smile at a prank again...I'd never smile at a kiss, a hug, a victory...again...It's only a memory, a dream that can rekindle my spirit...that can make me experience the joy that life begets to us humans...The question is...Can I live in this dreamed of world for eternity...Can a second of my past, make me go on for 6-7 decades to come?...This is the one question which does not have no answer in an I.S. Code...This is the one question mark which asserts my life to be nothing more than a rhetoric....
"Chiru, I am feeling damn frustrated, care for a drink?"
"O.K."
And here I am...prostrate...at your mercy...No!...At the mercy of your memory...at the mercy of a dream in which you may care to pass a measely smile for a dimwit...or...you may not...and if you don't...my propensity 'd force me to resolve to carry a blade to class tomorrow...but the eternal craven freak that I am...I won't...and another day would pass in remorse of the cut that I could have made...that I could not...that I did not...And then.... one fine day.... I'd be the grand dad of another red-blooded maniac who'd throw mud balls at me...and I'd be free when my heart breaks free of these iron...these concrete...these civil walls...and they'd say it was a heart attack...They'd never know that, for an eternity, he craved for his heart to break free of these shackles... His heart attacked...His heart failed...But, it freed him of the eternal jinx bestowed upon him...they called it LOVE...lol

Memories

They form, a never ending, never relenting fog.........
They block all the arteries, close to heart................
They pull, from the finish line, back to the start.....

For a moment, it felt, as if they were gone.........
But, they keep coming back, as if they belong........
Once again,it seems, as if there's no point in going on....

Everytime they come, they are so innocent, almost bring a smile....
And then an emptiness, for the rest of the mile..................
A moment of nostalgia, an eternity of turmoil.................

The desire to start on a clean slate, no marks of the past.......
To break bonds with the yesterdays,that nothing should last...............
To feel no hunger in the night, for the morning's fast............
To leave them all lurking far behind, to move so fast............

They keep coming back, like the little child's fever.........
Can't they just leave, once and forever............
May hate them arrows, but gotta keep them, if there's a quiver........
Maynot want to, but the home must give them all shelter..........

These guests of honour will come uninvited ,will stay, till they please.........
They will dirty the house, but one'll have to smile everytime they 'SAY CHEESE'.................
They need no introduction, you have to know them, some call them ghosts of the past.......................
...........some.........................................memories

Science...is it overrated?

I wrote this for some essay competition ... else I 'd never dwell upon such a serious topic....

Why are we the humans so proud to be what we are?

What are we but skin and bones?What are we but flesh and blood?What are we but one of the many mortal species that come and go?What is it that sets us apart from the rest?

The answer to this is that somewhere deep within each one of us there is a grain called science embedded very firmly.There is a flame that maybe short of oxygen, that apparently seems to be dying but is definitely there,this flame is the spirit to fathom into untroubled waters,to risk everything in search of something not even thought of.

What is this 'science', why has it gained such mammoth proportions in our lives that this very age is being termed as the age of 'science'?

Science is nothing but the quest for truth........the desire to unravel the mysteries of nature, to solve the puzzles of life, to systematically define the obscure events that occur around us.

Science is 'logic'....It is a systematic method to approach complex problems.....to approach life.......A 5 year old kid who sits down in a puddle of mud on a rainy day and finally figures out how to tie his shoe lace is a scientist......A sweeper who discovers the angle at which the broomstick should be held for best results is a good student of science. A mother who discovers the way her child should be held so that it has the soundest of sleeps is being scientific..

Science is 'truth'......What makes a human, human is the fact that he thinks.....Science has got its own competitors claiming to be better and more useful fields of human intellectual activity...namely art,philosophy and religion.......'Art' is guileless and beautiful...it claims to be nothing but an illusion ...'Philosophy ' is not opposed to science, rather it behaves as if it were a science.....it uses the same logical reasoning just that it sometimes claims that the answer to everything lies in one philosophy and gets rigid..

'Religion' is the sweet sugar coated candy that is served to minds seeking solace, seeking the assurance that we don't ned to struggle and break the queau to know the truth, seeking the revelation that we can't change our destiny.....seeking the complaissance that there is more to life than this life,....that death is not the end of the road for a human,.......'Religion' is for those who want to be showed the way, the ones who don't think it worthy to dirty their hands to carve the path and would rather walk on a safe and frequently used highway..'Religion' does not consider science to be its friend,because science holds no belief,it has no reservations, it's free & systematic.......in science there is a reason and explanation for every step,whereas in religion all you have to do is believe and follow....

The man who made the first fire may have been burnt alive in it for doing something evil...The man who roasted the first chunk of meat in this fire may have been charred for mixing food with evil and then these people may have tasted and relished this man's flesh....That is science for you...It is the tough road, wherein the ones who carve it are are rigorously punished and treated as outcasts and a century later every single of the followers is treading down this road......Science is today's Apocrypha and tomorrow's common sense.......

Science always takes you one step forward.It is man's quest to understand everything in this matrix.It has always been treated skeptically...people are still wary of it, least knowing that it was science that made man make those sharp spears that saved him from those hungry carnivores, it is this science that is still saving him from the various calamities.....and it is this SCIENCE that will always come to its rescue........

He who thinks is a son of a man .......and he who thinks in the search of truth is a son of science...

Science....man's only tool and man's only weapon against time and space......

You...

Day one of his 22 odd day long vacation,
Day 'n' of a 22 year odd long frustration.
Sleep in the eyes,sleep in the head,
But for how long can he hang on to the bed.
Thoughts in worse tangles than the hair,
Who is goin where,who is here and who is there,
Why for all the heavens should he care?
But then the common man has got nothing else to do,
So all he can think about is you.
And then it dawns, that you are busy,
Taking time out ain't all that easy.

Waiting for you, he switches over to the paper,
Wondering what it has got to offer.
Some freaking Bachchan is sloggging 18 hours a day at 65,
Someone named Lara is going great guns at 37,
Some Olympian prodigy Thorpe retires at 24,
Someone has not even begun at 22.

It was mornin now, it's noon so soon,
Should he idle it away till it's moon.
Guess he'd try and get some more sleep,
Sleep - the refuge from sum creep,
They call it boredom.
It has its own huge kingdom.
People do their best to get that thing called freedom,
Freedom from boredom.

They work,they shirk,
They learn, they earn,
They play, they pray,
If that doesn't help, they pay.
They sing, they cling,
They worry. Yeh, they even marry,
They make bids, they have kids,
They dance, waitin for der chance...

And then by chance, a glance at the mirror.
Is it shame, is it pain, is it horror?
Wrinkles have taken over the pimples,
There was a cavity in some gum,
Now there ain't no teeth.
He hated the tangles in his hair,
Now the strands ain't there.

And halo.......
What does he see!!!
What does he feel!!!
There's a tear now, as there was a tear then.
It still feels warm, as it trickles down those wrinkled cheeks,
It felt warm as it trickled down those freckled cheeks.

The 60 year old common man that he is,
He has got nothing left to do.
He is still waiting for you,
To kill time, he can't read the paper anymore,
His eyes don't support him, as they used to before.

So he thinks about you,
You, the dog who peed with four legs down....
You, the hog who ate away all his meals......
You, the log that never woke up for class....
You, the fog that took away everything he loved.....
You, the rogue that stole his heart and disappeared.....
You...

Darker Side :-)

Can see them all...They are laughing loud...I just cant find myself...
My own shadow...I find it there..But i just cant see my body...
Where am I....Where am I...I just can't find myself...

I raise my hands to my eyes...But i just don't find them there...
This mirror i confined to for ages,it fails to recognise me...
Where am I...Where am I...I just can't find myself...

Have I changed?...How i changed ..They seem to be looking here...but not at me...
Something's wrong, very wrong...O where did I disappear...
Where am I...Where am I...I just can't find myself...

That shadow there...it was my very own...now why is it cast on my body...
This very eye...still sees the world...why is it so blind to me...
Where am I...Where am I...I just can't find myself...

Now I know...Now I know...I guess, I am nothing but my shadow...
Oh my eye...u aren't blind, it's just my darker side ...
The older me...it had to die...there was no place for it here...
Where am I...Where am I...thank goodness I am not here...

हवाएँ

हवाओं का रुख बदलना तो हम अभी तक नही सीख पाए...
पर हवा के झोंके के साथ साथ अपना रुख मोड़ना भी हमने नहीं सीखा...
शायद इसीलिए यह धूल सिर्फ हमारी आंखों में खचक्ती है...
शायद इसीलिए...
शायद यही हमारी खता थी...
शायद यही हमारी सज़ा है...

शायद किसी रोज़ हमें देखकर, हवा अपना रुख बदल देगी...
या शायद किसी रोज़ तेज़ हवा का एक झोंका इन लड़खड़ाते क़दमों का नामोनिशान तक मिटा देगा...
हमें उस दिन का इंतज़ार रहेगा..

Where art though?....Oh Shepherd...

where art Thou? oh Shepherd!
i've been looking for Thee, all day.
where art Thou? oh Shepherd!
i seem to have lost my way.

where art Thou? oh Shepherd!
wouldn't Thee take me to my fodder?
where art Thou? oh Shepherd!
doesn't Thee, wince at my hunger?


i know i 've come of age, i know i've run out of wool.
dumb i may seem, but i can understand things, i ain't no fool.
what made Thou let go of me,what made Thou to set me free;
could nothing else be, but Thy love for me.

long back, Thou stood by me, when they said, that i was the black one.
yesterday, Thou held me firm, knowing, that i was their chosen one.
i know, oh shepherd, Thou was left with no option.
Thou, had, either to let go of me, or see me, be their mutton.

Though led me away from murder, in that cold silent darkness;
Though left me to wander, in this strange, hostile wilderness.
tell me oh Wise One, the logic in setting these old limbs free?
when, since their time began, their destiny has been Thee.

come back MY Shepherd and take me Home.
i'd rather be cut in Thine Kingdom, than wither away in this freedom.
i wish to graze, to gaze one more time into Thine Holy Eyes.
i wish to play, to pray one last time, in Thine Paradise...

................................AMEN





Epilogue-- Has God (if there happens to be one), ever erred to fall in love with a life, and, sinned to spare it, of the agony of dying(if at all dying is an agony).

Or does Death, the inevitable, lie beyond the Realm of the Almighty??

Drunk Slob

What's true and what's a lie
Who am I; to decide (laugh)

What gives pleasure and what pain
To dictate this, I could even 've slain(laugh)

But then, I once said,"I'm nonviolent"
So I bear it all, oh so silent(laugh)

Oh this empty hole, more than deep; makes me feel so numb
It's so dark, so cold; can't tell what's finger,what's thumb(laugh)

On this day of joy, why am I so few a peg down?
'Coz I feel you don't like it, every single time I frown(laugh)

Don't hide that smile, I know I am wrong
Look in my eyes; you'll know, I knew it all along(laugh)

"Why a life of illusions?", you'll pity;All i can say is, "'coz I love my spirit
Living by the facts; I fear might kill it"(laugh)

Someone today came up with;"How will you like to die?"
A drunkard with no shame, would have yelled, "Kill me as you wish, all I ask for, is one lie."(laugh)

A moment of deceit, an eternity of illusion
"Can you flirt with guile; make one fake confession?"(laugh)

None else, can it be you who says,
"There was a moment, when the winds blew both ways
What my lungs breathed in, was, your love in the air"; just a moment, of those long, lengthy days!!(laugh)

What am I doing? Asking truth to lie?
From where has come this con? I never was so, so sly

I loved that nerd
Know what, I even love this drunkard(laugh)

Who drinks; to whisper,
"Nothing's true, there is no lie
Baby, it's all in that freaking eye... "

(don't you laugh, i didn't mean it to be so funny :-) )

Good Morning...

You wake up at 6 in the morning.It's so quiet and cold.The sun is about to rise.You get a cold cup of milk from the fridge.You sit at your window and sip in the milk.There's a gentle breeze which says hello to you as it passes by.You haven't brushed your teeth and the bitter taste that the milk takes due to the saliva that accumulated in ur mouth all night is better than any of the chocolates you have ever had.You can see a dog lazing around from your window.
There is a pigeon that's sitting just on your window sill.Its' eyes are closed.
How come it didn't notice you??
How come it didn't fly away??
Must be in real deep sleep.
But you want to believe, that it trusts you and that it's there because it believes you 've got nothing wrong at heart.
Nothing that means any harm.
Whatever may it be, it feels so good to imagine that you still have got that little bit of innocence left in you.That human touch which seems so non human.
There ain't no more milk to sip in.
You stretch your tongue right into the cup and are about to lick that last drop that seems to have fallen in love with the cup.Your tongue stops.
You don't wanna force that drop, do you?You let that drop remain.
The leaves of the tree that has grown right upto your window are rustling.The dog seems to enjoy this music.The tree seems to be dancing on the beats of the breeze.
It stops the early rays from making it to the dog's eyes as it sways in the breeze.When the breeze takes rest, the rays knock at those muddy eyelids.You wonder if they'd have to open???
You wish they don't have to.That's when the breeze starts to sing again.The tree starts to dance again.The dog can dream on for some more time.It's a good dream.You are sure.
There is a smile on its face.



What the hell. You start wondering if you are going crazy.
You think.
Dogs don't smile.
Rite??


You lick that last drop of milk.
The pigeon flies away.
The breeze stops.......
The tree ain't swaying no more.
The dog wakes up, is it frowning??
What the hell........
What can't smile, can't frown.


Return to normalcy.
Return to logic.
GOOD MORNING........

Loss of thoughts

Is sweet bitter?
Or, is worse better??

Are eyes, to see the disguise??
Or, as they presume, are they wise??

Are excuses,the purpose of this face??
Or, are they just for, what it can't face??

Is there actually a reason??
Or, is that gaze too searching for one??

Reason.......Reason....
Have none.....Find one......

Is there more to you, than you show??Than you know??
Or,is the little that you do, too a show??

Is it worth the pain, to hang on to a hope??
Or, as wiser ones have, better to cut the rope and dope??

Are you, my reason to survive??
Or, reason enough to die??

Don't lie.....Don't lie......
All die.......... Don't lie.......


Is this a journey?Is there a destination?
Or, is life just an illusion?
Truth, but an illusion??

For an age, these eyes, they thought they could see through..................
Oh!!!! There was nothing called you...

Illusion........illusion.....
Treason.........Treason......

Now they stare into the horizon........
That moist, that hazy, that setting sun....

Loss of reason.........
Treason....Treason....

Should they search one???
Reason......Reason......
Or,is reason an illusion??
Treason.....Treason......

Life..........an illusion....
Truth.......an illusion.......
IS DEATH TOO ONE?????